Marcus Landes never felt so humiliated as when he was hoisted out of the Hudson River by a police boat crane; the harness used chaffed his love handles badly, and his lack of pants and undergarments made the ordeal considerably colder, given the inaudible but very active response from those on shore. The raising of the Marcus was liberating, a heroic act to be memorialized, which soon fell quickly to bottomless pity and coddling as the crane slowly lowered him to the deck. Marcus dreaded his descent as he was sure his saviors did, for that’s when the questions started.
Marcus threw his hands up almost immediately after hitting the floor, “Alright guys, this looks bit weird. Let me explain myself.” An officer produced a notepad and pen while the other serviceman attempted to free Marcus from the crane harness. “So we was going to the Olive Garden tonight, we being Tommy, Vinnie, Tony, Sully and Shields. We always go to the Olive Garden, every Wednesday, all you can eat breadsticks. Check the books! So these dames there, let’s call ‘em Vickie and Valerie, who gives a rat’s ass, I don’t remember!” Marcus playfully jabs one of the officers who steps away and a lobster falls out of the harness. “Someone’s eatin’ tonight!”
“So this Valerie chick is saying ‘oh, we should all go back to her place, she’s got a home theater and a pool and a jetski you can use in the pool, and I’m thinking to myself a jetski in a fuckin’ pool? I gotta check this shit out!” The cold marine air whips around the Coast Guard officer who looks on with a small level of interest but periodically instructs the cadets how to properly dismantle the crane harness. Marcus take a swig from a can of Coors, and the cadets freeze as they all try to understand where he obtained booze already. “Any of you guys got a cell phone? Sully’s gonna be ripped.”
“Anyway”, Marcus drags on a cigarette, “Vickie and Valeria totally give us the run around and lose us on the way! None of my numbskull friends thought in their little minds, ‘maybe I should get this bitch’s number’. Who the fuck are these guys?” One of the cadets shakes his head in mock disbelief.
“At this point I say fuck it, I’ve had, y’know, what the legal limit of alcohol is, I’ve gotta go pick up my kids at my mom’s. You guys have a good night. Happy trails. But fuckin’ Vinnie comes back and says all these horrible things about me and how I’ve changed and matured and really cleaned-up and then he said stuff like he hates cops and I was like ‘whoa dude, draw the line, cops are heroes, straight up’. I was like had him by his collar”, which Marcus begins to demonstrate on the most docile of the cadets, “and I was like ‘Yo! Cops are the only thing preventing us from getting destroyed by gang warfare and other street crime!’ and better believe that dago went running with his tail between his legs. So then Vinnie is all crying and shit and snatches my chain and throws it in the ocean. My great aunt Maria gave me that necklace when she was a little girl dying of tuberculosis. Terrible fuckin’ disease. Anyways, so I take off my slacks and go in for a dip and try and find the necklace. Then I swear to Christ, a hammerhead shark made its way into my fuckin’ underpants and I flipped out and took ‘em off. I gave up on finding the necklace cuz shit Maria ain’t gonna know the difference and then BAM! One of those rudders, like the dozen rudders people row with from up top with the cannons and shit? Hit me right on the head. Next thing ya know, I’m on a fucking policeboat with you fine gentlemen. Cup Check! Ha! Just shittin’.”