So here’s my weird Saturday. Now I didn’t do this but if I did…
I happened to stop by Troutman Avenue one Saturday for some brunch at the ol’ Rookery, and I saw THIS.
Bushwick: The Movie? Say it ain’t so! Sure Bushwick has gained some notoriety as the Echo Park or Chinatown of New York, but let it stay cool for a second! New York hasn’t had a ‘cool neighborhood’ since 2007 Murray Hill. Yikes. Looks like this neighborhood is OVER! Time to move on to greener pastures, folks! I heard Queens is nice!
I decided I needed to get my head together and stop in for a full-bodied shiraz at the American Apparel on North 6th Street. BOOM.
Bartender, make it 2! Williamsburg: The Movie? Now I’ve seen everything. How could they make a movie about Williamsburg? That’s crazy! What, would it be about the killer rooftop and reasonably priced drinks of Berry Park or the gargantuan lines at Pies n’ Thighs (No thanks!)? Gimme a break, Hollywood! The well must really be dry out there in La La land. I gotta get to Manhattan where they don’t do silly things like name movies after themselves.
I decided to get away from the tourists so I went to a sleepy ethnic enclave in Manhattan called Little Italy. And right there on Mulberry Street:
Godfather 4? But how? Didn’t they all shoot each other? I thought Winona Ryder at least got shot. Okay, Wikipedia says Mikey Corleone did not die of getting shot but he did die after eating an orange. Didn’t he see the first one? Oranges are bad news in the mafia world. If you know some mob guys, leave the tropicana at home (but take the connoli)! Also why are you hanging out with mob guys? They are NOT your friends. Also Winona Ryder was apparently Diane Keaton. She looks great. Mama Mia, Hollywood, make it stop!
Next, I had to head to the “West Village” to get my mom a Bob Dylan t-shirt for her birthday, so I’m cruisin’ Macdougal Street, talking jazz and froyo with the beatniks when it hits me like a brick:
Garden State 2? Finally, someone got my letters! And what a perfect storied, authentic, neighborhood to shoot in, just like Garden State Writer/Director/Actor/Lead Goofball (jk zack!) Zach Braff! I’m excited about what existential crisis he’ll have this time and what kind of landscape he’ll end up screaming in (and also the soundtrack! Zach: have you heard of Neutral Milk Hotel? Let’s talk!) Don’t get it twisted Lena, Zack will always be the voice of this generation. Two Thumbs Up!
Now I’m not a “punk” so I don’t really spend a lot of time on St. Mark’s Place, but it was the most direct route to STOMP, so I put my wallet in my sock, unzipped my jacket, and stared straight ahead the whole time. But something caught my eye…
Taxi Driver 2? Looks like Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah are back in action! Now this is what I’m talking about. The first one was kind of a sleeper hit, but I made my friends watch it and they love it! We’re always quoting our favorite parts of the movie, like, ‘Hey this is a taxi!’ I’m not sure if that’s the exact wording, but watch the movie and you will KNOW the scene I’m talking about. And soon all of your friends and co-workers because they will love it too! I know Jimmy has the Tonight Show but I’m glad he’s making time to return to the breakout role that made him famous.
So I’m on the hot track to being a Social Media Manager at one of the big ad firms (yes, like Peggy) so I decided to look into the flyers I saw that day. The Social Media Response was overwhelming!
Looks like people are PSYCHED for TAXI 2, though I’m not sure if I remember this ‘you talking to me’ line they’re referencing, but then again, I’m never watching it without my buddy pinot grig.
Garden State 2 getting the kind of pre-accolades it deserves (don’t fuck this up ZACH!)
People rightfully being pissed about the Godfather, I mean who even remembers that movie anyway? My DAD watches that movie.
People in Williamsburg being all LOLWTFLMAO or whatever the e-bankers say these days.
Looks like no one in Bushwick took instagrams prolly because they’re too cool with their RZR phones and RZR scooters and STR8 RZRs. Also who cares? You think I care? I don’t.
UM. YES. (also Jimmy Fallon’s character’s name was Andy)
You’d think NY Mag would know it’s TAXI not TAXI DRIVER (@nymag if you need a social media manager just sayin I know what IMDB is)
Great minds, girl.
Oh great a cynic. Why aren’t you in Bushwick? They look official to me!
Even the international press is picking it up! Ay Dios Mio!
The studio promotion for TAXI was a sick joke, this is just another Hollywood Cash Grab!
Please believe the movie that defined a generation is going 2.0!
Zack was probably too busy polishing his numerous MTV Movie Awards to answer this.
Now here where it gets interesting. The sleuths over at Bedford & Bowery noticed each of these signs had the same location manager, “Chad”, and the phone number was for a travel agency. Ok, so there’s a typo. There’s still going to be a Garden State 2, right? Are you telling me some idiot went around post fake filming notices just to get my hopes up for the continuation of Zack Braf’s character in the original Garden State, whatever his name or characteristics were? I think I’m going to be sick. I didn’t want to think there was such evil in the world. Not only did I think we eradicated that kind of evil during one of those World Wars, but other people saw these flyers and made their own versions!
These were not the work of “Chad” so leave him out of it. I haven’t seen Annie Hall or Do The Right Things so I don’t know if people care there would be a sequel. Probably direct to video. See you in the Bargain Bin!
Anyways, it starts innocent and everyone’s all excited:
And then the gears start turning:
And then they crush it all:
Gothamist is so slow on the update they weren’t even on #teamCHAD:
It did get a mention but CHAD PLAYS SECOND FIDDLE TO NO ONE:
Well, fake or not, at least we got some cultural theory out of some cultural theorists (TL;DR):
Well now I just fell dumb walking around all day believing there was light around the corner in my life with sequels to my two favorite movies (of all time), Taxi and Garden State. I was about to go get medicated again (I know zack i know) when a light went off in my brain: this had been a big misunderstanding, Chad just goofed on the phone-number but I mean the dude’s got 5 movies on his plate, let’s cut Chad a break! Come on back Chad! We’re not mad anymore!
I had go deeper. So I went to the one place I know is honest and good on the internet. Reddit.
What is Do The Right Things and why haven’t they done them already:
BECAUSE I NEED IT.
So I finally call a guy I know who supposedly met Zach Braff once and he said he hadn’t heard anything about no sequels. I went on the IMDB message boards but ended up getting into an argument about immigration. I did find some Garden State fan fiction but it was just all sex, not even many words. Drawings were pretty good I guess. However hardly the wake-up call this generation sorely needs.
Chad, if you’re out there and you’re reading this, I want to believe you were just doing your job and the studio pulled the movies and you had a family emergency that prevented you from taking the sign downs, and you even swore to God you would do it first thing once Mom started walking again. This is what I’m choosing to believe. If it turns out you’re just a sick, pathetic, handsome individual who gets his jollies ‘pranking’ the public (though that word doesn’t come close to describing the damage that’s been done here), well then I say shame on you Chad. Shame on you.
Also, I have a Taxi 2 spec script if you know anyone you could pass it along to.
[Editors Note. – I didn’t do this. Really.]