Baby Press Corps

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BABY PRESS CORPS

INT. PRESS ROOM

A solemn celebrity, JAKE PARKER, walks up to a podium, assisted by his handler, MALCOLM.

JAKE
Good morning. I’m here today before you to address the recent rumors around my arrest. It’s time to put an end to rumors. It’s true I’ve been unfaithful to my lovely wife, Betty. There is no excuse for my behavior and I am here to admit to these mistakes. What I did was selfish, unconscionable, and inexcusable. I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to my family, my sponsors, and my fans. I just want to say that I’m really, really…

Jake gets emotional and hands his head and begins to sob. A distinct whine begins to emanate from the crowd. A child’s hand is waving above reporter’s heads.

TIMMY (waving his arm)
UNghhhhhh….Mr. Pawker, Mr. Pawker!

Jake immediately recomposes himself.

JAKE
Please hold all questions until after my prepared statement.

Jake begins to sob again.

TIMMY
But…but…but…Mr. Pawwwwkerrrr….

JAKE again recomposes himself.

JAKE
Yes, you, what is your question.

TIMMY
Hi. My name is Timmy Denton. I work for Nickelodeon news. I am this old.

TIMMY holds up five fingers.

TIMMY
Ahem. Mr. Pawkeerrr, what did you do? Was it bad? This is making me sad.

JAKE
Timmy, I’m here to apologize for the bad thing. I acted without regard for others. I didn’t even know she was a prostitute.

A second child hand raises and begins to whine.

JAKE (sighs)
Yes, you in the herringbone hat.

MIKEY
Hi! Mikey Sullivan, Highlights for Children. My question is….what’s a pwostitue?

JAKE
Well…it’s like when your mommy and daddy love each other very much, and they do the special hug…thing. Some people do this for money so they can buy stuff. This mommy did it for money.

MIKEY (confused)
Um, how many mommies do you have?

JENNY
How many mommies can you have?

SETH
I have two daddies!

JAKE
Please, let’s keep this organized. I only have one mother, Michael. Sometimes you see another pretty mommy and you get real confused, understand?

MIKEY
Sometimes I get confused.

JENNY stands right up to seize the awkward pause.

JENNY
Hi, Jenny Chang, Ranger Rick. Mr. Pawker, was this lady pretty like my mom?

JAKE
Oh, Jenny, very much so.

JENNY
Mr. Pawker, did she look like a teletubby?

JAKE
She was a little…thick, like a teletubby yes. But sometimes you need the thickness.

JENNY
Mr. Pawker, did you see her buhgina?

JAKE
Jenny, I regret to inform you all she was not…properly equipped.

SETH (out of breath fat kid)
Seth Carlson, Zillions Magazine. Are you potty trained?

JAKE covers to the mike and turns to MALCOLM.

JAKE
I can’t believe she told Barbara Walters I shit on her face.

JAKE (to press)
I am seeking treatment.

JOHN STOSSEL stands up, knocking 2 other kids over, and holding another kid down by his face.

JOHN STOSSEL
John Stossel, ABC News. Good to see you Jake.

JAKE winks at JOHN STOSEEL.

JOHN STOSSEL
How is this event affecting your endorsement deals?

JAKE
Unfortunately, John, I’m not at liberty to say at this moment.

JOHN STOSSEL
Why?

JAKE
Because my lawyers have advised me not to.

JOHN STOSSEL
Why?

JAKE
Because they feel it’s in my best interest.

JOHN STOSSEL
Why?

JAKE
Because they know the law and the best way to handle events like this.

JOHN STOSSEL
Why?

JAKE
Because they went to law school.

JOHN STOSSEL
Why?

JAKE
Because they couldn’t become doctors.

JOHN STOSSEL
Why?

JAKE
I don’t know. Maybe their daddies didn’t love them enough.

JOHN STOSSEL
Why?

JAKE
I don’t know.

JOHN STOSSEL
That’s sad. I have to go to the bathroom.

JOHN STOSEEL sits down and pees his pants.

KATHY
Kathy Ferguson, TMZ. (mockingly) So…are you guys gonna get married?

JAKE
I am already married and I love my wife very much.

All the kid reporters begin to giggle and laugh.

SETH
Yo champ, did you get your cootie shots?

JAKE (scratching balls)
God, I hope so.

All the kids erupt into laughter.

JENNY
Are you guys in lovvvvvve?

All the kids begin to chant “PARKER’S GOT A GIRLFRIEND, PARKER’s GOT A GIRLFRIEND”.

JAKE (getting emotional)
No I don’t. I love my wife.

All the kids begin to seing “PARKER AND HIS MOMMY, SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G,…”

TIMMY (mockingly)
Yoo hoo, Mr. Pawkerr…

MIKEY (mockingly)
Are you guys going to kissy- kissy…(makes fishy face)

JAKE (really sobbing)
No! No! No! I kiss my wife of 11 years!

TIMMY
Did you just fart?

JAKE (indistinct sobbing)

KATHY
I hope that ball-draining slut makes you happy!

There are several beats of stunned silence. MALCOLM rushes to the stage.

MALCOLM
This press conference is over!

MACLOLM ushers a crying JAKE off the stage. All the child reporters run to the phone booths and jump up and down trying to get to the pay phones.

 

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