Celebrity Clander

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Furthering our discussion of Celebrity culture here on Warforever.com, there is something grossly misunderstated at work here. People who discuss celebrities, and even worse, gossip about celebrities are particularly depressing (except for me). Celebrities are people pigeon-holed into a mythical status created over time to maximize exposure, right or wrong. US Magazine readers think they know Brad Pitt because they saw him eat a bowl of Count Chocula (“HOLY FUCK! HE’S JUST LIKE ME”) or they read his iTunes playlist. These people don’t want to know any more about them but little shit-bits or big drama issues, so they can fill in the rest (aka actual human being time) with a hodge-podge of sitcom cliche and clever detective work (“Maybe he’s buying more Count Chocula”). Why does such a huge and growing market have an affinity for this? Are people’s lives that vapid?

Even worse is making fun of celebrities. “Hey guys, I think Jessica Simpson is a retard.” What the fuck are you talking about? Who the fuck could you be talking to? I cannot believe you came to that conclusion watching a show that was specifically edited to get that message across. You figured it out, you piece of shit. You cracked the code. Do you/will you ever know, in anyway, Jessica Simpson? No? Then she’s as good as imaginary to you. Tell me your controversial thoughts on Robocop. Do you think he’s a dick? Is there any possible way for a celebrity to refute any accusations? Criticizing celebrities is the absolutely most spineless and riskless behaviour I can think of, yet I see these cunts congratulating each other on their character judgements. “Bobby Brown is a crack-head!” “OH SHIT YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!”

When I hear a shit-stream of celebrity gossip from some douche bag, the only thing I hear is “I have trivial information about someone 3,000 miles away I think you may like to hear. Whatever comes out of my mouth could not be less consequential to anyone you will ever know. I lack the willpower and/or intelligence to create my own human experience, so I’ll be lazy and live vicariously through some specialized group of ‘actors’ who in turn became famous by choosing to recreate others’ human experience instead of developing their own. Take my hand, I will take you on a Journey.” No thanks, pal. I’ve got real gossip to spread, like who left the pregnancy test and 3 and half smoked cigarettes in the hallway. I think it was Kathy.


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