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(Cruise begrudgingly signs a medical release)

Tom Cruise has AIDS again!


Celebrity and actor Tom Cruise has been diagnosed with the AIDS virus for the second time this year. Long time friend and vocal opponent of AIDS Tara Reid dished the dirt in a scathing tell-all expose about the Mission: Impossible star that documents their steamy secret rendezvous in a parked Toyota Corolla in a Santa Monica Starbucks parking lot. “I have AIDS”, Cruise disclosed to one person he could trust, “I think I have all of the AIDS.” The two sexy Hollywood starlets have been seen bumping uglies and discussing medication options in several non-descript office buildings around UCLA, Tom looking near death between passionate throes. “The Hollywood community needs to stop AIDS, it’s up to us, “ Dakota Fanning said from her vehicle while pulling into a neighborhood Walgreen’s, a major supplier of AIDS antiretroviral drugs.


(Cruise escorts a bleary-eyed Suri out of Avalon in Hollywood)

LiLo and Suri Slut It Up on LA Club Scene


Controversial rap star Lindsay Lohan and child prodigy Suri Cruise have been letting loose on the LA party scene, last seen stumbling out of the doors at Play in Hollywood. “She’s so f*cking rad!” said friend Samantha Ronson, placing the infamous 2-year old on a rotating turntable platter, “Now you’re spinning like a pro, girl!” Speculations of drug abuse began have when Suri, passed out in a car seat at 6pm in the evening, apparently drooling, erupted into a very emotional state when jostled awake by photographers. “She was just screaming at the top of her lungs. I had never seen anything like it,” said photographer Michael Flynn. The gloves came off however between Suri and Lohan at Timbaland’s pre-grammy party, when Nick Lachey reportedly put Suri on his knee and began to bounce her to the beat of the music, garnering the attention of Justin Timberlake and NY Knick David Lee, who all ignored Lohan’s desperate attempts at a strip tease. Lohan left in a fury with her entourage after oil heir Stavros Niarchos successfully coached Suri into saying “firecrotch” on command.


(Nelly, Diddy, and Jay-Z leaving the set of Mad Money in NYC)

Hip Hop Community Tackles Recession Through Personification; Humiliation


With 150-year old firms collapsing and the Dow lunging record lows, how is the status-obsessed rap community responding? “I’m gonna fuck that bitch in the ass til’ she screamin’!” remarks wunderkind 50 Cent. “Motherfuck a recession. I’m get that bitch to to give it up then I’ma take her North Face in the morning, no doubt!” Wu-Tang shaolin member Raekwon offers his financial advice: “When something like a recession disrespects you, you gotta act quick, otherwise you just a bitch. Word is bond, kid, you gotta drop a recession [makes a pistol-hand motion] before a situation get outta control.” Vocoder impressionist T-Pain has a more progressive approach: “What happened here is every n**** went after the hottest stripper in the club. Supply. And. Demand. That bitch can’t suck every n***** off! I’m sure the Dow will be back as soon at T-Pain busts a nut, then everybody celebratin’!”.

 

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