Permission to Go Down and Quench Our Thirst

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In what must be one of the more awkward NFL games in recent history, The Giants played the New Orleans Saints tonight, and won 27-10. Every on-field argument was like another cigarette burn on the abused child that is New Orleans. Every touchdown, a smack. If I was the QB on the Giants and was hiked the ball, I would have repeatedly just walked backwards, miming actions resembling looking for an open, then just fell over, giving an earnest “DAMMIT” when my teammates pick me up. Or if i was on the bottom of a pileup I would roll the receiver over a few times in the direction of the endzone before the ref could get a good look. And of course, I can always jump on the goal posts and claim they were going to fall over, and sway them accordingly.

What I wouldn’t do is pat myself on the back for “donating” airtime so that some douchebag can say how sorry he feels about the whole darn fiasco. I counted many spots that ended with “Airtime paid for by Gatorade!”. Wow, that’ll get the black people back their city. It’s not bad enough every booger-sugar tootin’ scrotumtucker on Madison Ave can breathe a little bit nicer knowing they’ve allowed the spiritual guidance of a professional athlete be heard. Often in times of a devastating tragedy, these are the powerful voices that are silenced. But obviously Gatorade recognizes the imminent need for the people of New Orleans to rehydrate with their patented blend of carbohydrates and electolytes to keep themselves pushed to the extreme of their athletic abilities. And they couldn’t just let it be known within Advertising circles that they paid for the airtime for these pastors of power to speak, they have to brand it so everyone thinks it’s an unprecedented measure of philanthropy, outdone only by Jesus himself. God forbid ABC say, “This is awkward enough. You do whatever you have to do to make these people happy!” and donate the airtime themselves. I pulled the same shit with my grandmother, “Here [Lt. Obvious] is $20,” No, No, Nana I can’t, I can’t, oh FINE. I’m glad to see these skills pay off when I’m an adult, because I am broooooooooooooke.

 

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