Writer’s Block

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SUMMER OF BLUB

EXT HALLWAY

MIKE, 25, is walking in a school with a binder of papers. He’s talking to a friend on his cell phone.

FRIEND (on phone)
Hey man, I read your story that you wrote. I can’t believe you snuck over to a girl’s fat camp and had sex with over 20 fat girls! That story is going to kill in your writing class. Funniest shit I’ve ever read.

MIKE
Thanks, dude! Class is about to start, gotta go!

MIKE takes a deep breath and heads into the classroom.

INT CLASSROOM.

MIKE looks at his new classmates and six out of the seven are significantly overweight girls, and one nerdy man, DEREK. MIKE is stunned.

TEACHER
Hey! You must be Mike. You’re a few minutes late but I will chalk that up to the ‘bad behavior’ of the creative class. Ha ha. Take a seat next to Melissa over there.

MIKE looks at MELISSA, a very heavy girl with a small purse. MIKE meekly takes his seat.

MELISSA (sweetly)
Hi! I’m Melissa. I hope this class is fun!

MIKE Uhh…yup. Mike.

TEACHER
Okay my little literati, this week’s assignment was to write a story tells something funny that happened to you. Who wants to tell their funny fable? Ashley?

ASHLEY
Oh, um, I don’t think my story is very funny.

TEACHER
Oh, come on. Of course it is! Make us laugh!

ASHLEY
Umm, I’m sorry, it’s just not very funny.

TEACHER
Okay okay, she’s shy. How about you, Mike? You got a funny story for me? Make me laugh.

MIKE
Uhh, ha ha, truth be told, my story isn’t very funny either. Let’s skip me.

TEACHER
Don’t be silly. You seem like a very jovial fellow. Give us your story.

MIKE
No.

TEACHER
Yes.

ALL OF THE GIRLS
Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike!

TEACHER
Give the public what they want…

Several beats of silence.

MIKE
Ok. Ahem. It was the summer of 2003. My parents decided to send me away to camp. I had lost my virginity the year before…

Several of the girls begin to giggle.

TEACHER
Ladies, ladies….

MIKE
And I had developed quite an appetite for…(cough) um, big, girls.

Several of the girls begin to look at each other concerned. DEREK’S jaw drops.

MIKE
I especially liked the um, big, girls with the fat, uh…personalities. Fat with a ph of course. Ha ha.

TEACHER looks confused.

MIKE
One time at a cafeteria, I watched this phat (sigh) pitcher eat all of the…ideas that were being presented. She ate them all up.

TEACHER
She was a baseball pitcher?

MIKE
Yes, a (cough) huge pitcher.

TEACHER (confused)
Okay…

MIKE frustratingly scans the next few pages for acceptable materials. DEREK looks stunned.

MIKE
I decided I was going to, um, kiss, this lady with the big…personality but it turns out she was a little retarded.

ASHLEY
That is offensive!

TEACHER
Mike, let’s shy away from anything that might disturb the fellow students. Be mindful of their sensibilities.

MIKE
Okay. Watching the girls run was always funny because…ugh…they ran funny…and that was that.

MELISSA (Almost in tears)
Sorry, Mike, why was it funny?

MIKE (mouthing the words)
I’m sorry…

DEREK puts his head into his folded arms.

TEACHER
Mike, let me see your paper.

There is a mini tug of war between TEACHER and MIKE. TEACHER looks at the paper.

TEACHER
Summer of blub: Sexin’ the ladies of the Lake Haywood Weight-loss camp.

ALL OF THE GIRLS seem shocked and distressed.

MELISSA (crying)
Why would you write something so horrible?

MIKE
I…I…

TEACHER
Mike, I think it’s pretty obvious you did not take into account your readers when you wrote about the… 20 times you ‘fucked fat bitches behind the canoes’.

DEREK
Ha!

MIKE
No, sir.

TEACHER
I suggest next time you propose a topic a little classier.

MIKE
Yes, sir.

TEACHER hands him back his paper and shudders. All OF THE GIRLS glare at him. A few beats pass.

TEACHER
Melissa, why don’t you read your story, and hopefully rinse our palate?

MELISSA
Ok. I was with my dad on our annual pilgrimage to Nantucket. I was on my fifth line of blow and I thought I was going to have a fucking heart attack.

All of the girls begin to giggle.

MELISSA
Then I saw this fine piece of ass walking down the street, and I hollered at him. I said what’s up big dick!

All of the girls erupt into laugher, including TEACHER.

MIKE nervously begins to laugh, and then slides into more comfortable laughter.
He looks at ASHLEY and she punches him in the face.

 

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